Last night, watching the closing ceremony of these incredible 2012 Summer Olympics, I wept openly. Like, had some big ugly sobs, clutching my sloshing glass of Pimms. I cried for many reasons. First, I'm going to have to rejoin normal society. "I can't, I'm watching the Olympics" isn't an excuse anymore - now I have to socialize and discuss things other than track & field, gymnastics, and swimming. I can't mention "Usain, Gabby and Missy" like they're old friends. I will have to partake in life, and our DVR is going to once again be filled with stupid shit like "Say Yes to the Dress" (my guiltiest sin), and not amazing feats of athleticism and stories of triumph and sportsmanship. Even the recap show "London Gold" had me tearing up before the actual party got started. So many emotions! What a great and truly remarkable games.
"The disco at the end of the wedding" as the ceremony was referred to, was a fun bit of nonsense to celebrate a thrilling, fascinating, and thank God, safe games. A lot of people thought London couldn't pull off hosting duties, and I'm very glad to see that was not at all the case. In fact, it seems like the UK threw the party of the year this summer. I mean, they played "West End Girls" for God's sake!!! That takes BALLS. And the fact that the kids from One Direction looked panicked they might fall off the lorry (that's truck, gringos) gave me a chuckle and a break from my waterworks. But then the athletes started walking in, looking joyous and united and full of hope and I went back to soggy square one. The world looking (pretending?) to unite, even for one night, is pretty inspiring. It's like the Christmas feeling - why can't it last all year? And why can't the Spice Girls just accept the fact that the world wants them together?? I'm sure I wasn't the only Googling "Spice Girls T-Shirts" after their set. Right? RIGHT?!
Why the tears? I think it was honestly a mixture of joy, pride, sadness the games was over, and real, seething, jealousy. I wish to God I could have been there. Not just at the arena (though that would have melted my brain with greatness) but I think watching London these past two weeks has been a tough reminder of the life I thought I was going to have after grad school, before my father's illness and our family affairs usurped my life for the better part of four years. I had planned to stay in London. I worked so hard to lay foundations, make professional connections, and plans for the future. I'd extend my Visa, and get to work in the thriving theatre community of London. Of course there would be day jobs and tough times, but I was so excited.
And then things changed. Nothing ever works out the way that we plan.
A therapist said I was grieving, for the life I had planned and worked for. I suppose that is correct. Aborted life plans. The friends left behind. The city I love that makes getting back hell. Oh, yes, the times I've passed through Heathrow since I am always stopped and grilled, because I have an expired Visa and a failed renewal. They treat me very much like persona non grata, after all that. It breaks my heart and enrages me every time. I'm not going to sneak back in. I'm there to see friends, and I have to pack an extensive array of papers to prove it. The same thing happened to my friend L, who was straight-up refused re-entry after a trip to Paris. To be suddenly unwelcome in your home is a shock and hurt I wouldn't wish on anyone (but especially anyone as sweet and good as L, one of the genuine nicest men on planet Earth). This isn't at all how things were supposed to be. It's hard not to be jealous of those who remained, or are there for other reasons. My life is essentially four years behind most everyone else's in terms of professional and personal growth. I derailed, and only recently have begun laying track again.
It also gets you thinking about the next go round....Rio. (Yes, I'm psyched as all get-out for Sochi 2014! But let's focus on summer here. It is August after all.) I'll be 34. Jesus. I wonder where I'll be living, what I'll be doing. Maybe I'll have a super awesome job that I love! Maybe I'll be married, and watching the games with my husband! Maybe my life will be so awesome, I'll be IN Rio! (Dream big!) 4 years, as I've told you (and lived) can completely change your life. We can only wait and see.
