The move has been....rough....to say the least. (Soul crushing?) But in this instance, I have absolutely zero interest in talking about it, so here instead is a (mildly) amusing story that has nothing to do with the joke/shitshow that is my life.
Back in grad school, we had the pleasure of collaborating alongside a lady who was by no means famous, but working steadily in the film industry - on films we'd heard of! She was very cool, fun and we learned a lot from her.
But the strange thing was....she had no last name.
At first we thought she was just not telling us, being silly. Everyone has a last name, we insisted. She said she had, but not anymore. She had legally changed her name to have no last name. I'm sure documents of any importance were just a bitch now, but obviously it mattered enough to her to go through with the change. Now she was just one name...and showed us her various forms of ID to prove it.
Instead of quieting us down, it only fanned the flames of curiosity. WHAT HAD HER LAST NAME BEEN? What could be so terrible that she would forsake having any last name just to be free of the burden?? The guesses ran wild (and largely puerile)...
"McFarts"
"Buttinsky"
"Cocksackie"
And so on and so forth. You get the idea.
Then one of our usually outspoken classmates -who had been unusually quiet - piped up.
"There's only one thing it can be."
We waited eagerly. He enjoyed the suspense. Theatre people. You know.
"Don't you see? What's the one last name in the world that everyone recognizes and reviles?"
"McFarts" (I insisted)
"No. Guys." said the outspoken one. "Her last name was obviously Hitler."
And the room fell silent. Our mouths fell open.
"Oh my God."
And we left it at that. Thought it was never confirmed, from then on we just thought of her as Miss Hitler. Awesome, easygoing, fun Miss Hitler.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Monday, February 25, 2013
Oscars & The Week Ahead
Work today is all about the Oscars!! How great is that?! It's fun. It's silly. I enjoy it.
Having stayed up to watch all fouryears hours of the show, I have a few thoughts/feelings (as did everyone else on every social media outlet in the world.)
*Seth Macfarlane wasn't a bad host. The gig is such a double edged sword. We're all prepared to draw blood at the first joke that doesn't land. In spite of the fact that the opening monologue was WAY too long and the boobs song was abysmal, he seemed to be having a good time, and a lot of the jokes landed. Oddly, he's a dead ringer in both looks and voice for P, so that made watching at times enormously weird and uncomfortable for me, but that's my own problem. So yes, if you've ever wondered what my ex-boyfriend looks/sounds like, imagine a slightly skinnier, even more neurotic, blonde Seth Macfarlane and you've nailed it).
*Christoph Waltz is so oddly cute. He's charming as hell.
*Bond tribute felt kind of mediocre. But it was great to see Shirley Bassey kicking ass and taking names. I love her. All gold and sassy and Welsh and fierce as hell. Yes, girl. Yes.
*Charlize and Channing dancing together was really lovely. Unexpectedly elegant and classy. Nice to recall they both really can move quite well. Also, I believe Charlize Theron is the most beautiful woman on earth. She looked incredible. Like some kind of badass goddess.
*The Sound of Music - where are the Von Trapps? - joke is the ONLY time I have ever laughed out loud during the Oscars! And I laughed a whole lot. It was perfect. So much credit to whoever wrote that joke, and much respect to Macfarlane on the delivery. Absolutely dead on.
*Anne Hathaway: I'm a bit torn. She gave a great performance in the film. I know she was a lock to win. SHE knows she was a lock to win. And she wasn't as irritating as she's been in the past. But I found her lackluster pink dress (reminiscent of the lackluster pink dress Gwyneth Paltrow wore for her win) and her creepily whispering "it came true" to the statue kind of odd. Oh well. But...if you know you're a lock to win....pick a better dress. Seriously. This is the moment to nail it.
*I just want to hug Ang Lee. He's so great. He's the most versatile director working AND he seems like a lovely guy. Go Ang!
*And of course....Jennifer Lawrence. She was beautiful and charming and funny and cool, everything we've come to expect from her. So she tripped and fell. In front of a billion people. But instead of melting down, she laughed and kept her spirits up. Well done, miss. Well handled. 10,000 extra points to Hugh Jackman for being the very definition of chivalry and being the first man to step to her aid. Also, Jennifer wishing happy birthday to Emanuelle Riva during her acceptance speech was pure class. I can't wait for the next Hunger Games ad campaign, which will most certainly feature a push with "Academy Award Winner Jennifer Lawrence." I cheer for her, loudly and often.
So that's my Oscars wrap up. A fun year indeed.
Today, for me, begins moving week. Picked up the keys to my new place this morning, and the relocation itself starts tomorrow. Lots of work to do. My lunch hour will be spent running prep and errands! Not much sleep on the docket this week, I think. But it's moving forward. Letting go of a lot of old crap and starting something new. It's falling down and remembering the most important part is, in fact, to get up again.
Having stayed up to watch all four
*Seth Macfarlane wasn't a bad host. The gig is such a double edged sword. We're all prepared to draw blood at the first joke that doesn't land. In spite of the fact that the opening monologue was WAY too long and the boobs song was abysmal, he seemed to be having a good time, and a lot of the jokes landed. Oddly, he's a dead ringer in both looks and voice for P, so that made watching at times enormously weird and uncomfortable for me, but that's my own problem. So yes, if you've ever wondered what my ex-boyfriend looks/sounds like, imagine a slightly skinnier, even more neurotic, blonde Seth Macfarlane and you've nailed it).
*Christoph Waltz is so oddly cute. He's charming as hell.
*Bond tribute felt kind of mediocre. But it was great to see Shirley Bassey kicking ass and taking names. I love her. All gold and sassy and Welsh and fierce as hell. Yes, girl. Yes.
*Charlize and Channing dancing together was really lovely. Unexpectedly elegant and classy. Nice to recall they both really can move quite well. Also, I believe Charlize Theron is the most beautiful woman on earth. She looked incredible. Like some kind of badass goddess.
*The Sound of Music - where are the Von Trapps? - joke is the ONLY time I have ever laughed out loud during the Oscars! And I laughed a whole lot. It was perfect. So much credit to whoever wrote that joke, and much respect to Macfarlane on the delivery. Absolutely dead on.
*Anne Hathaway: I'm a bit torn. She gave a great performance in the film. I know she was a lock to win. SHE knows she was a lock to win. And she wasn't as irritating as she's been in the past. But I found her lackluster pink dress (reminiscent of the lackluster pink dress Gwyneth Paltrow wore for her win) and her creepily whispering "it came true" to the statue kind of odd. Oh well. But...if you know you're a lock to win....pick a better dress. Seriously. This is the moment to nail it.
*I just want to hug Ang Lee. He's so great. He's the most versatile director working AND he seems like a lovely guy. Go Ang!
*And of course....Jennifer Lawrence. She was beautiful and charming and funny and cool, everything we've come to expect from her. So she tripped and fell. In front of a billion people. But instead of melting down, she laughed and kept her spirits up. Well done, miss. Well handled. 10,000 extra points to Hugh Jackman for being the very definition of chivalry and being the first man to step to her aid. Also, Jennifer wishing happy birthday to Emanuelle Riva during her acceptance speech was pure class. I can't wait for the next Hunger Games ad campaign, which will most certainly feature a push with "Academy Award Winner Jennifer Lawrence." I cheer for her, loudly and often.
So that's my Oscars wrap up. A fun year indeed.
Today, for me, begins moving week. Picked up the keys to my new place this morning, and the relocation itself starts tomorrow. Lots of work to do. My lunch hour will be spent running prep and errands! Not much sleep on the docket this week, I think. But it's moving forward. Letting go of a lot of old crap and starting something new. It's falling down and remembering the most important part is, in fact, to get up again.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Everything is RED
I found this Valentine after I'd already posted that slew of great ones on the day itself. It's a perfect mash-up of obsession with X-Men (check) and unleashed rage (check). Basically, it's like a custom love note to the world, from me. Behold...
My shit is in SHAMBLES, SON. One of my very best sistafriends, knows most of the foolishness that is passing for my life these days and could only basically gawk at me and yell, “WHAT THE FUCK” in response.
Anyway, my shit is all fucked up.
But I’m Unfucking My Life one day at a time and although it absolutely terrifying, it's, like, good. Like really good. There is still a lot of pain and immeasurable sadness for the life I thought I would lead but I’m excited for this chapter and pretty fricking certain that this is truly for the greatest good.
I can see clearly that ultimately I am going to have the life I’ve always wanted to lead, but this time I gonna have to be an active participant in getting it. So right now, I’m focusing on finding the whys, learning about the whats, and figuring out the hows of how the fuck did SistaTV end up right where she is right now. Cause I’m not EVER going back.
I admire SistaTv's spirit of optimism. I'm not at her point of "feeling this is for the greatest good" or "knowing I will have the life I've always wanted" but I'm glad she is, and maybe I can be there myself someday. My life is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like I wanted it to be. Batting zero. But perhaps, with moving to new places, culling friendships and cultivating experiences, I can also learn to find the whys, know the whats and figure out how the fuck I got here, because I too, am never going back.
I feel like the sentiment of this picture should be read whilst screaming:
ROSES ARE RED!!!
VIOLETS ARE RED!!
EVERYTHING IS RED!!!!
(xoxox, Cyclops)
Ignoring the slight hiccup of facts - Violets are...uh, violet - it's a pretty great picture. The drawer not only did a bang-up job on the X-Men uniform, but managed to capture the angry soul of the character through a simple unhappy face. EPIC. Five stars.
I wonder if this picture isn't wonderful/hilarious to you if you haven't been depressed. If you don't go through extensive periods of time when all you see is the anger of red.
The good news, friendly readers, is that I am 95% secured towards a new home. It is small, safe, and most importantly affordable. I can handle a year there. I pick up the keys Monday - hopefully. I say all of this because I am waiting for the inevitable catastrophe. The other shoe hovers above my head like the lone storm cloud following the cartoon character.
I was writing to M about how I was feeling and one thing has become painfully clear. My trust mechanism is broken. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the person to leave. For everything to hit the fan. I expect it, yet am still crushed when it happens. P used to say this about me all the time - he said "you always pull away first because you're waiting to be left. You think nothing lasts." I told him I loved him and had no intention of pulling away.
Then he promptly up and left me. Exceptionally cruel trick, if you ask me.
(Oh God. The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?' just came up on Pandora. Why Pandora? I'm already sad)
Yes, I still think frequently of P. A year on. But I think moving out of the current neighborhood will help with that, considering he works around the corner from my current apartment. Nothing inhibits forgetting someone like knowing where they are for 40 hours a week. New place. New start.
What I will miss
Hiking Central Park most weekends
The Natural History Museum
How incredible the neighborhood architecture is
Having K nearby for shenanigans
What I won't miss
Knowing P is around the corner and constant fear of seeing him
How the apartment feels right now
4 flights of stairs
I was reading xojane this morning, and saw these words from SistaTv (yes)...
My shit is in SHAMBLES, SON. One of my very best sistafriends, knows most of the foolishness that is passing for my life these days and could only basically gawk at me and yell, “WHAT THE FUCK” in response.
Anyway, my shit is all fucked up.
But I’m Unfucking My Life one day at a time and although it absolutely terrifying, it's, like, good. Like really good. There is still a lot of pain and immeasurable sadness for the life I thought I would lead but I’m excited for this chapter and pretty fricking certain that this is truly for the greatest good.
I can see clearly that ultimately I am going to have the life I’ve always wanted to lead, but this time I gonna have to be an active participant in getting it. So right now, I’m focusing on finding the whys, learning about the whats, and figuring out the hows of how the fuck did SistaTV end up right where she is right now. Cause I’m not EVER going back.
I admire SistaTv's spirit of optimism. I'm not at her point of "feeling this is for the greatest good" or "knowing I will have the life I've always wanted" but I'm glad she is, and maybe I can be there myself someday. My life is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like I wanted it to be. Batting zero. But perhaps, with moving to new places, culling friendships and cultivating experiences, I can also learn to find the whys, know the whats and figure out how the fuck I got here, because I too, am never going back.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Put On An Honest Face
Gray skies are gonna clear up,
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
Never one to actually enjoy the musical Bye Bye Birdie (because it sucks and it's creepy) I don't enjoy that song. Give me "Fake Your Way to the Top" from Dreamgirls any day - now that's a real toe-tapper. But the gist of the two numbers is the same - fake your way through unpleasant situations, and eventually you'll come out the other side of happiness and success!
What did you do this weekend? I hid at my dear and patient friend's house in Bushwick, while my soon-to-be-ex roommate and her mother packed up her possessions. I wasn't asked to leave, but I thought it prudent to stay out of the way, especially as we aren't speaking. It's already awkward and miserable in my own home that I also pay for but I'd rather leave than put on a face pretending everything is OK. Because it's not. And I'm done. What caused that, you might say? Where did this great revelation come from? Oh, it was when I realized that this move is putting me about three grand in debt. SUPER! I can't pretend anymore that I'm fine and everything will work out.
This time it won't. I have lost my friendship and my home. I am heartbroken, shattered and angry. I have had more panic attacks in the last three weeks than I've had in my entire life. And plastering a weak smile onto my face isn't going to change any of that.
I'm not Hulked-out all the time (because that would be even uglier and scarier than my regular face) but I'm trying to put on an honest face. I'm exhausted. I'm worried. I'm scared. It shows in my face, and that's fine. It's truth, and I'm not hiding it to protect feelings. Maybe if I'd thought less about protecting other people's feelings and more worried about protecting myself, this wouldn't have happened. But it did.
Next week I will live somewhere else. I am hopefully signing for a cute, safe, small place in Brooklyn today or tomorrow. It's in a great neighborhood, and very affordable. Once I get settled, I'll be able to slowly start paying back my debts. Life will move on, with lots of changes, and I'm sure even more on the horizon. Getting through yet another debacle, with the help of my family and true friends. Growing up, as I've done it, really does transform you. Birthday to birthday, calendar year and on. Even month-to-month. Older. Wiser? Sharper. Less trusting. More angry. But still here.
Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
(Only Coco can show us how fake happy faces really are. You go Coco. You go.)
Never one to actually enjoy the musical Bye Bye Birdie (because it sucks and it's creepy) I don't enjoy that song. Give me "Fake Your Way to the Top" from Dreamgirls any day - now that's a real toe-tapper. But the gist of the two numbers is the same - fake your way through unpleasant situations, and eventually you'll come out the other side of happiness and success!
What did you do this weekend? I hid at my dear and patient friend's house in Bushwick, while my soon-to-be-ex roommate and her mother packed up her possessions. I wasn't asked to leave, but I thought it prudent to stay out of the way, especially as we aren't speaking. It's already awkward and miserable in my own home that I also pay for but I'd rather leave than put on a face pretending everything is OK. Because it's not. And I'm done. What caused that, you might say? Where did this great revelation come from? Oh, it was when I realized that this move is putting me about three grand in debt. SUPER! I can't pretend anymore that I'm fine and everything will work out.
This time it won't. I have lost my friendship and my home. I am heartbroken, shattered and angry. I have had more panic attacks in the last three weeks than I've had in my entire life. And plastering a weak smile onto my face isn't going to change any of that.
I'm not Hulked-out all the time (because that would be even uglier and scarier than my regular face) but I'm trying to put on an honest face. I'm exhausted. I'm worried. I'm scared. It shows in my face, and that's fine. It's truth, and I'm not hiding it to protect feelings. Maybe if I'd thought less about protecting other people's feelings and more worried about protecting myself, this wouldn't have happened. But it did.
Next week I will live somewhere else. I am hopefully signing for a cute, safe, small place in Brooklyn today or tomorrow. It's in a great neighborhood, and very affordable. Once I get settled, I'll be able to slowly start paying back my debts. Life will move on, with lots of changes, and I'm sure even more on the horizon. Getting through yet another debacle, with the help of my family and true friends. Growing up, as I've done it, really does transform you. Birthday to birthday, calendar year and on. Even month-to-month. Older. Wiser? Sharper. Less trusting. More angry. But still here.
Friday, February 15, 2013
What Happened Yesterday
Surprisingly enough, yesterday's disaster of a day had absolutely NOTHING to do with Valentine's day. Which is such a bummer, because it was obvious to anyone who looked me in the eye that I'd been sobbing, and I'm sure coworkers thought I just gotten broken up with or something - just another sad girl in a red dress - when in reality I finally got sick of everything and lost it. LOST. IT. I still feel pretty desolate. It's hard to keep calm and carry on when you'd rather gas yourself and be done with it. I have well meaning friends and family who are making Herculean efforts to make things seem like they'll be all right, but it sure as fuck doesn't feel like there's any light at the end of the tunnel, anytime soon. *sad trombone noise*
I backed out of the Brooklyn apartment, after some additional research (bedbugs! neighborhood drug problems!) and a last-minute visit (filthy! not secure! gross old men and crazy weed smell!) caused me to absolutely lose it and decide to walk away. I was really scared that I was either going to be stuck living in a less-than-great place (which I initially agreed to because it didn't seem terrible and it was cheap) or lose $1000 that I cannot simply throw away. Thankfully, the landlord was a good guy, to whom I spoke honestly about my concerns, and gave me my deposit back. Big thumbs up for not losing the money. Big thumbs down for being back at square one with just under two weeks to go until I'm kicked out. I HATE apartment hunting. It is the absolute worst. Maybe it would be awesome if I had lots of money (I'm pretty sure everything would be more awesome if I had lots of money, because I stand by the statement that money can in fact buy happiness) but I don't.
(Yesterday felt like this. On repeat.)
I backed out of the Brooklyn apartment, after some additional research (bedbugs! neighborhood drug problems!) and a last-minute visit (filthy! not secure! gross old men and crazy weed smell!) caused me to absolutely lose it and decide to walk away. I was really scared that I was either going to be stuck living in a less-than-great place (which I initially agreed to because it didn't seem terrible and it was cheap) or lose $1000 that I cannot simply throw away. Thankfully, the landlord was a good guy, to whom I spoke honestly about my concerns, and gave me my deposit back. Big thumbs up for not losing the money. Big thumbs down for being back at square one with just under two weeks to go until I'm kicked out. I HATE apartment hunting. It is the absolute worst. Maybe it would be awesome if I had lots of money (I'm pretty sure everything would be more awesome if I had lots of money, because I stand by the statement that money can in fact buy happiness) but I don't.
(My life in Gif form: Oh you dancin'? You think you'll be OK? Fuck you. TRUCK.)
(And I'm just like "Enough, already. Please. I need you to stop.")
Stay tuned for further adventures/disasters/my name in police blotters.....
Thursday, February 14, 2013
All the Best Valentines...For You! xoxo
Here's the best of the web....
(If being Batgirl didn't work out, being Rainbow Brite was a close 2nd.)
And finally, my absolute favorite...
(I WANTED TO BE BATGIRL WHEN I GREW UP.)
(If being Batgirl didn't work out, being Rainbow Brite was a close 2nd.)
And finally, my absolute favorite...
Happy Valentine's Day from My Cold Dead Heart
Thank you, Phil C. for this most amazing thing. But in all truth, I hope you have a really wonderful day. Me? I'm having a massive meltdown over the fact that I might not have a place to live after all. Either that or it's actually the worst place ever. Freaking out.
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