I feel like the sentiment of this picture should be read whilst screaming:
ROSES ARE RED!!!
VIOLETS ARE RED!!
EVERYTHING IS RED!!!!
(xoxox, Cyclops)
Ignoring the slight hiccup of facts - Violets are...uh, violet - it's a pretty great picture. The drawer not only did a bang-up job on the X-Men uniform, but managed to capture the angry soul of the character through a simple unhappy face. EPIC. Five stars.
I wonder if this picture isn't wonderful/hilarious to you if you haven't been depressed. If you don't go through extensive periods of time when all you see is the anger of red.
The good news, friendly readers, is that I am 95% secured towards a new home. It is small, safe, and most importantly affordable. I can handle a year there. I pick up the keys Monday - hopefully. I say all of this because I am waiting for the inevitable catastrophe. The other shoe hovers above my head like the lone storm cloud following the cartoon character.
I was writing to M about how I was feeling and one thing has become painfully clear. My trust mechanism is broken. I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the person to leave. For everything to hit the fan. I expect it, yet am still crushed when it happens. P used to say this about me all the time - he said "you always pull away first because you're waiting to be left. You think nothing lasts." I told him I loved him and had no intention of pulling away.
Then he promptly up and left me. Exceptionally cruel trick, if you ask me.
(Oh God. The Smiths "How Soon Is Now?' just came up on Pandora. Why Pandora? I'm already sad)
Yes, I still think frequently of P. A year on. But I think moving out of the current neighborhood will help with that, considering he works around the corner from my current apartment. Nothing inhibits forgetting someone like knowing where they are for 40 hours a week. New place. New start.
What I will miss
Hiking Central Park most weekends
The Natural History Museum
How incredible the neighborhood architecture is
Having K nearby for shenanigans
What I won't miss
Knowing P is around the corner and constant fear of seeing him
How the apartment feels right now
4 flights of stairs
I was reading xojane this morning, and saw these words from SistaTv (yes)...
My shit is in SHAMBLES, SON. One of my very best sistafriends, knows most of the foolishness that is passing for my life these days and could only basically gawk at me and yell, “WHAT THE FUCK” in response.
Anyway, my shit is all fucked up.
But I’m Unfucking My Life one day at a time and although it absolutely terrifying, it's, like, good. Like really good. There is still a lot of pain and immeasurable sadness for the life I thought I would lead but I’m excited for this chapter and pretty fricking certain that this is truly for the greatest good.
I can see clearly that ultimately I am going to have the life I’ve always wanted to lead, but this time I gonna have to be an active participant in getting it. So right now, I’m focusing on finding the whys, learning about the whats, and figuring out the hows of how the fuck did SistaTV end up right where she is right now. Cause I’m not EVER going back.
I admire SistaTv's spirit of optimism. I'm not at her point of "feeling this is for the greatest good" or "knowing I will have the life I've always wanted" but I'm glad she is, and maybe I can be there myself someday. My life is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING like I wanted it to be. Batting zero. But perhaps, with moving to new places, culling friendships and cultivating experiences, I can also learn to find the whys, know the whats and figure out how the fuck I got here, because I too, am never going back.
