Put on a happy face;
Brush off the clouds and cheer up,
Put on a happy face.
Take off the gloomy mask of tragedy,
It's not your style;
You'll look so good that you'll be glad
Ya' decide to smile!
(Only Coco can show us how fake happy faces really are. You go Coco. You go.)
Never one to actually enjoy the musical Bye Bye Birdie (because it sucks and it's creepy) I don't enjoy that song. Give me "Fake Your Way to the Top" from Dreamgirls any day - now that's a real toe-tapper. But the gist of the two numbers is the same - fake your way through unpleasant situations, and eventually you'll come out the other side of happiness and success!
What did you do this weekend? I hid at my dear and patient friend's house in Bushwick, while my soon-to-be-ex roommate and her mother packed up her possessions. I wasn't asked to leave, but I thought it prudent to stay out of the way, especially as we aren't speaking. It's already awkward and miserable in my own home that I also pay for but I'd rather leave than put on a face pretending everything is OK. Because it's not. And I'm done. What caused that, you might say? Where did this great revelation come from? Oh, it was when I realized that this move is putting me about three grand in debt. SUPER! I can't pretend anymore that I'm fine and everything will work out.
This time it won't. I have lost my friendship and my home. I am heartbroken, shattered and angry. I have had more panic attacks in the last three weeks than I've had in my entire life. And plastering a weak smile onto my face isn't going to change any of that.
I'm not Hulked-out all the time (because that would be even uglier and scarier than my regular face) but I'm trying to put on an honest face. I'm exhausted. I'm worried. I'm scared. It shows in my face, and that's fine. It's truth, and I'm not hiding it to protect feelings. Maybe if I'd thought less about protecting other people's feelings and more worried about protecting myself, this wouldn't have happened. But it did.
Next week I will live somewhere else. I am hopefully signing for a cute, safe, small place in Brooklyn today or tomorrow. It's in a great neighborhood, and very affordable. Once I get settled, I'll be able to slowly start paying back my debts. Life will move on, with lots of changes, and I'm sure even more on the horizon. Getting through yet another debacle, with the help of my family and true friends. Growing up, as I've done it, really does transform you. Birthday to birthday, calendar year and on. Even month-to-month. Older. Wiser? Sharper. Less trusting. More angry. But still here.
