I'm The Worst, And It Is What It Is

I was hanging out the other night with two dear friends and their tiny fluffy baby kitten (!) and after catching them up on my life, and listening to what was new with them, I sat quietly mesmerized by the cuteness of the fur ball. One asked how my family was doing, and I admitted:
"Honestly, I'm so wrapped up in my own stupid life right now, I don't know."

I am the worst. I am honest, but I'm the worst. I've been so melting-down, self-involved, financial freak-outs McGee that I don't really know how the most important people in my life are doing. I know that my mom has loaned me money neither of us really has to spare in order to finance this move. (With the return of my deposit, plus my tax refunds, I will be able to pay her back in full, but still....being 30 years old and having to do this is humiliating. The extra kick in the shins is that I was getting ready to start saving.....for the move I thought was happening in September) I know my brother is always ready to talk, and supports my decisions. We talk on the phone a few times a week. They're there for me.  I just wish I was something other than an emotional and financial drain right now. I'm definitely the character who is getting, brutally, constantly stuffed when trying to select my breakfast cereal.

(I seriously screamed with laughter when I saw this ad)

It's the same with friends. I have very little idea what's going on. People have been great - lots of support and help. Offers to move. Drinks bought. I see it all and it's appreciated. I had a guest in town from the UK, a trip that had been planned for months before all this happened. But then....instead of taking her out for fun girlie nights on the town, I dragged her to the outer boroughs to look at apartments with me. This is not the type of hospitality I like to show guests, especially ones who've come so far. She was really understanding, but again....massive failure on my part.

It's been about three weeks since this whole thing started - not a long stretch of time by any means, but enough that I feel sufficiently fried. My mind isn't here. It's calculating and re-calculating to see if I can make all my payments on time. It's working on the logistics of the move. It's hoping I have enough money to buy a metrocard and some groceries. And it's still reeling at the fact that I've lost my home and my friendship there so unexpectedly. I'm sorry If I haven't been here, or haven't been paying attention to what's going on with you. This won't last forever. It can't.