Ghosts/Away We Go

I ran an errand yesterday, about eight blocks away from where I work. No big deal, right? I didn't think so....until I felt like the spectres of everything I've done in my years here were unable to be shaken off. What am I trying to say? Everything feels like a touchstone. In a short walk it was:

"Oh I lived here"
"I came here with Mom when I was eight!"
"____and I took a photo here last Christmas"
"Going for drinks here was a lot of fun"
"That restaurant used to be _____ but now it's out of business."
"I was standing here when I realized we were over for good"

And even more. That's just a small sampling of the deluge of feelings that came from popping out to complete a simple task. Does this happen to you? Because part of me suspects that most humans feel things this deeply, and maybe I'm simply in the small number who are game for talking about it? Either that or I'm even more irritating and emotionally overloaded than Taylor Swift. If that the case...uh, sorry. You should stop reading, if you haven't already. And maybe slap me.

New York is filled with ghosts.

Seriously. I have loved and lived the fuck out of this town, and I've got the stories and heartache to prove it. Every borough. Most neighborhoods. Places popular and not. Dozens of apartments, hundreds of bars, a thousand stolen kisses, spilled drinks, wasted hours. I will not forget. I can't even if I want to. I tried to forget a lot of things but because it was a huge element of shaping who I've become, it's not going anywhere - at least not in the foreseeable future.
I need to put them out of sight and mind.

What next? Not sure yet. It's not something I'm looking to talk about with others. I want some space.

Did you ever see the movie, Away We Go? If not, I highly recommend checking it out. I'm sure it's on Netflix. It's directed by Sam Mendes (who must, along with Ang Lee, be the most versatile and talented director working today) and stars Maya Rudolph and John Krasinski. Mendes gets beautifully understated performances from his two leads. They portray a couple expecting their first baby, and they travel around America trying to figure out where they belong, where they will be most happy and successful to begin this new chapter of their lives.

 It's a lovely little film. And I'm feeling strong alignment with it now, as I too wonder where I belong, where the next step is. Of course, there will be some practicalities to consider. I'm making lists upon lists. It's getting absurd. But it will be whatever it is.


*I appreciate the "come to (where you live)!" sentiments, but let's table those for now, please.

Sigh no more, sigh no more
One foot in sea, one on shore...

We are nearing the end.