I went to my favorite thrift store in my old neighborhood - the Upper East Side of Manhattan. It's important to know that this hood houses two types of people:
1. Old money white people from rich dynasty families
2. Young white hipsters looking for fun (which at the time, I admittedly was)
(It's like living in a Tommy Hilfiger print ad)
But yesterday, during my perusal of the dress rack, pushing through rows of taffeta and sequined monstrosities (mostly likely worn to schmancy charity galas) I found a simple, beautiful brown dress from J.Crew. I recognized it, because I'd bought one similar to it about a decade ago. It's a classic.
"Oooh!" I thought excitedly. I flipped the price tag - $10! Hooray! Then I peeked at the size....6.
I haven't been a size 6 since junior high school. And when I was a 6 (then a 4, then a 2) it was because I was in the throes of a really horrible depression. My grandmother who lived with us had been sick for a while, and her death was devastating to our whole family, particularly my mother. Seeing my mother so sad, and trying to adjust to this new, grandparent-less life, I needed to focus elsewhere. So I became obsessed with my weight. Having been a chunky kid, who'd been mercilessly ridiculed by boys in her class for it, it made sense. Here was a problem, and now I was going to fix it. I just went overboard, with too much exercise and obsession with calories. By the time I got a grip and realized this behavior had to change, I was 5'9" and 120 pounds. I'd lost a lot of hair, messed up my circulatory system (to this day) and done damage to my reproductive system.
From high school through college and beyond, my weight went up and down. This is pretty typical for a lot of women. Not like a ground-breaking story. But I'd been pretty consistently like a size 10-12, with bumps up or down.
Having found kickboxing, and a lot of common-sense growing up (I'm not hungry? Ok, I'll stop eating) has led me to make a lot of positive changes to my diet and exercise. I'm active in some way every day, whether it's class, or the gym, or just walking for an hour or so. And I eat smarter. I still eat (holy God I can eat) but I think about it in a smarter way. It's not obsessing over little things. It's like big-picture thinking. I ate pasta, salad, and cupcakes at dinner Friday night, at the AWESOME party we threw at our apartment. So the next day I worked out a lot and ate protein. Ta-Dah.
So, back to the dress. I thought "worth a shot" and tried it on....and it fit. Like a freaking sexy glove. The top shows off my nice clavicle and shoulders, and the fabric skims lightly over my hips and emphasizes my waist. It's perfect. And, $10 later it was all mine.
It's not about the number. Granted, I'm tickled pink to be wearing a J.Crew size 6 dress. But what matters is I'm in good shape and look really nice in a dress that I wasn't sure I'd fit in. It's a boost of confidence for all the right reasons. It makes me want to continue to be smart and healthy and good. I don't want to be smaller, I just want to keep being me...the healthiest, strongest, happiest version of me.
