Being a godparent is essentially promising that you will try to be a positive influence in the child's life. You'll look out for them like a parent would...a super-cool guardian who only reports to Jesus! HA. Considering these boys have phenomenal parents I doubt there's much else I can offer them, besides the potential for buying toys their folks don't approve of when they get a bit older.
Standing up in this church, and vowing to be a spiritual advisor/guide for these two boys was kind of a surreal experience for me. Maybe because the church itself was hot as hell? (Truth. There were fans but they weren't on! What the freak is that all about?) I was as grumpy and fussy as the children were! Maybe it was the fact that the "body of Christ, the bread of heaven" was a bit on the dry side? (Jesus was ashy). Or perhaps it was the fact that I have a strange and unusual (and continually evolving) relationship with my faith.
Here's the rundown. My father is an ambivalent Episcopalian. My mother is a practising (but more liberal-minded) Catholic. Their powers combined....created kind of a funky upbringing. My brother was baptised in my dad's church, and me in Mom's. It was like choosing teams for dodgeball. The Episcopalians were quicker, but the Catholics could take a hit. So technically, I should have a big "C" for Catholic stamped under my "Made in USA" label. Growing up, I attended both Mass and Church with my folks. Switching back and forth wasn't too confusing. It was really only a difference in wording and chuch location. My dad's church is this beautiful historic Southern building, and the nearest Catholic mass was in an unappealing little box on the base (remember: military). So I obviously preferred the prettier one. THEN....I got sent to an Episcopal school. For a very long time. Where I was required to dress nicely and attended services every Wednesday. So when you consider that I was going to church twice a week for about 10 years I think I chalked up enough churchin' for a lifetime. And because I'd been attending both services, I didn't really identify as one or the other denomenation anymore.
My feelings are thus: I believe (and if you don't that's fine, this is just me here) that your faith is a private thing between you and God. My behavior, my joy, my fears and concerns are for us alone. I don't feel the need to involve others. It's not their business. Some have said "but what about the need for community?" and while I understand that, it's not a hole in my life I need to fill. I have a family I love fiercely, friends I love like family, even work colleagues I am crazy super fond of. I'm already a part of several communities. I don't really need more. I'm all good. So when I stood up there yesterday and promised to do my best to create a community of faith with the boys, I promised (in my heart) that I would let them find their own way, figure out what they do and don't believe for themselves, and just be there if they wanted to talk about it.
I think I still believe in God. There have been times when I'm so enraged and disheartened by life that I doubt God is real. But I know so many good, smart, people of stalwart faith. How can they be so sure? Maybe they just have their heads screwed on straighter than I do?
I don't know. Faith is too big a thing for me to have figured out at this point in the game. I'll just stick to the Church of Friday Night Lights....Clear Eyes. Full Hearts. Can't Lose. Not bad words to live by.
