Super cool.
On the train this morning, sippin' on my Dunkin Iced coffee, I felt very nostalgic. I'm sure a lot of it has to do with seeing London everywhere in the press now. It's hard to gaze lovingly at something you miss desperately from so far away. I ache for the city. I miss my friends terribly. I'd give anything to be there, with them, now. I am also thinking of P a lot today, because he is very much a follower of sports, and I wonder if he'll be watching. And with my birthday coming up...yeah. It's hard. Actually, I don't think it is P himself I miss, but the feeling of when we were good. That's all. I miss feeling loved like that.
And sometimes I get scared that I will never feel as happy as I did, either in London, or with P. More often than I'd like to admit, I am struck by the fear that I'll never find those kinds of joy again.
When I find myself feeling this way, the same six words do a frantic line dance through my mind...
WHAT ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF?
What am I afraid of? I think the list needs to be split in two.
Inconsequential (but still freaky to me) Fears
* Spiders (they are evil. Why people keep them as pets is beyond me)
* Flying insects that sting (bees, wasps etc.)
* Rejection (in jobs and relationships)
Big Important Fears
* Death / Pain - this one is a bit trickier, because death is inevitable. I don't know what happens after we die, but I don't really get much say in it. However, I think what causes the most fear is the potential pain we could experience on our way to death. Be it accident, illness, or God forbid, murder or natural disaster, none of us wants to experience the physical trauma of it. What hurts so much that you die? None of the greatest pain we know is quite there, and the thought that it could be worse....well there is pure fear. That is probably why most people hope they die in their sleep at the age of 100. To just go to sleep and pass away seems like the best way to make your exit from planet Earth. I suppose that gets filed under the massive, thesis-and-books-and-more-than-a-silly-blog heading of "Fear of the Unknown."
* Failure - this is tied to the smaller fear of rejection, and in a way embarassment as well. No one wants to fail. Nobody says "I'm so glad none of my dreams panned out, and I'm depressed and lonely." The thought that we can't do something, that we might try our best and still come up short, hurts. It hurts a great deal. I think fear of failure is the biggest thing that holds people (myself very much included) back in life. Why not submit your play? Tell that boy you're nuts about him? Because they might reject you, which means you failed, which (incorrectly but we think it) means we suck and don't deserve good things. But honestly, I'd rather be true to myself and alone, than living an unsatisfactory life. Even though the thought of being alone forever is also a pretty depressing one! I need to be better at practicing what I preaching, acting (rather than simply pontificating) upon what I know is true.
(Uhm, sorry this post is such a downer, all. Here, check out this kitten.)
Fears exist our entire lives, in different forms and manifestations. We can work to conquer many of them, but there are some fears that might only be kept at bay, not eradicated entirely. Every human being, even the bravest, has things that make him or her afraid.The important thing is to try. And when you fail, as will often happen, to keep trying.
Acknowledge you are scared and uncertain.
Try your best.
Try harder.
Repeat.
