A while back I had dinner with a married girlfriend. We were catching up, and it was interesting to feel each others "grass is always greener" mentality. Though happily married, she encouraged me to get out there and date as much as possible, because when you're married, it's never quite the same. The thought made me so goddamn sad, because dating in New York is not fun. It's pretty horrible. As one woman put it in a Time Out New York interview "Dating in New York isn't like being a kid in a candy shop. It's like being a kid in Home Depot. There's so much crap and you don't want any of it." It is quite disheartening to be at the age when you would like to find a person for life, but haven't quite gotten there. I thought I sowed my wild oats, already! How big is this damn oat bag?! There are too many fields, oats, plows, and other bizarre farming-as-mating references for me. Isn't it harvest season yet?
I have been to (and been honored to be part of) some truly incredible weddings, that weren't just parties, they were deeply heartfelt celebrations of love and partnership. It's wonderful to see loved ones so happy, so excited for their future with their best friend, whom they happen to be in love with.
And to be honest, sometimes it is really, very hard.
At my friend Sara's wedding in September, she and her husband's first dance was to a song my ex-boyfriend and I used to slow-dance to in our kitchen. During those many happy times I thought "I am the luckiest woman alive." And I had to excuse myself from the wedding for a moment (and stealthily wipe my eyes just now) because to think about us then and now still hurts very much.
I hate the idea of "shedenfreude" (yes, that's a thing now apparently, schadenfreude for ladies)- women not being happy for each other. I hate hate hate it. My best friend has a brand new boyfriend, and I hope she understands how thrilled I am for her. I think he is wonderful. I love that he treats her with dignity and respect. She deserves nothing less than the devoted love of a good man, and I truly think he is. I am 100% team him. But the fact is that in the past month I have been dumped twice (once in person, once by text), AND found out my ex has a new girlfriend, whom he refers to as "the best ever". I've broken down crying pretty much every Friday, save for one, when I had to keep my shit together because we were driving to a wedding! Oh cruel irony. I'm still never sure how not to let my defeats mar the victories of others. That is one lesson I still haven't mastered yet. You don't figure out everything on the road to 30. There is so much hurt the heart can take. And just when you think you've reached maximum capacity, you spill into overflow.
