What Is Lady Swagger?

A few days ago, I was in the ladies room, making myself look presentable again after housing a Hot Pocket for lunch (this grace and beauty can be all yours, fellas) and I saw one of my quiet Asian co-workers from accounting doing a thorough job of brushing and flossing her teeth over the sink. It was precise, dedicated - almost like a ritual. I see her there pretty much every day around 2pm, and I smiled at her and said.

"I wish I took as good care of my teeth."

She nodded and smiled. For reasons inexplicable (filling the awkward void) I continued:

"I mean, it's paying off because you've got such a lovely smile."

"Oh thank you" she said, blushing now.

As I washed my hands, I thought to myself "Damn girl, you've got lady swagger. You're charming as fuck. You got it going on. You are nice and people like you. You're like a lady George Clooney."

Hella Smooth.

Then I started cracking up because that's such a ridiculous thing to think.

So if you saw me yesterday, in the ladies room, I was saying silly things, then washing my hands, smiling and laughing to myself. You can order my straight jacket in a size medium (I've got broad shoulders).

At first I thought "I wonder what it would be like to put my brain in a man's body for a day. I think I would be crazy charming, and kind and smart, and SUCH a good listener and ladies would love me. But then I'd be me, so I'd be a gay man. (At last!) And then the ladies would be sad because yet another charming man would not be interested in them. So that's not good."

But I think that kind of rakish charm, that wily (!) wit, the smoldering self-satisfaction and carefree sexual bravado hasn't really been defined for this generation of women. We don't have that kind of role model, at least none that I can think of. Can you? Seriously. I'm willing to listen. There is no lady equivalent to Clooney now, just as there wasn't to Cary Grant then. No lady Isaac Hayes. No lady Ryan Gosling. Why can't we ladies be the slick bachelorettes, who are so full of charisma that the internet makes memes about us?!? We wouldn't worry about our weight or our relationship status. We'd just be living. We'd be working for the weekend. And it would rock.

I want to embrace and embody the spirit of the Lady Clooney. I think it can be done. It requires a certain self-confidence, a sense of humor, a heightened awareness of yourself and others. It is a manifest of charm, intelligence, and a kind of devil-may-care, I-own-my-bad-decisions kind of attitude. I think if I could really cultivate this within myself it would rock my world in the best possible way. Who couldn't use a little more self-confidence? (Answer:John Mayer)

Now, the important thing to emphasize here is that Lady Swagger doesn't mean dropping all the great aspects of femininity and suddenly acting like some Rat-Pack (or Brat-Pack) reject. I think we ladies would be loathe to give up our feminine wiles (!) in favor of purely masculine ones. It's finding the balance that is the trick here. For example, today I am rocking a cute tank top and a slim-cut, very feminine blazer with some rockstar black jeans to work. I. Look. Fly. End of story. I feel pretty and powerful, and I've gotten some admiring glances. The thing is, I don't let any of this change my normal behavior. I'm still saying please and thank you and trying to inspire feelings of good will and cheer around me.

I don't think Lady Swagger is all surface. It's not just bravado. It's owning up to every part of yourself and being supremely satisfied with the person staring back at you in the mirror. Yes, frequently I am an idiot. I screw up. But none of those realizations have to detract from the fact that I am cool and charming and sexy and awesome. Or at least I try and tell myself. Lady Swagger, Jamestown. Lady Swagger. Get some.

All this being said, I'm working really hard to keep this from becoming sad emo teenager blog. The backslide continues and I'm still feeling like a big emotional clusterfuck right now. Like, this morning started off with being upset over missing P (it's just going to get worse over the holidays, so if you want to jump ship, the time is now) but then I had a massive upswing when I found out that my beloved friend D just BOUGHT A BAR in London and now I just want to go visit him and reap the rewards of having a friend with a bar. My life will finally be like Cheers. That and I miss D. But the bar is kind of huge and wonderful news, seeing as he's been talking about doing it for years and now he has. Wow. Awesome.