I wasn't planning on publishing twice today (Happy Friday, I guess) but considering that this morning I walked by the scene of a double homicide on the way to work I've got some heavy thoughts.
Last night, very close to my apartment, a nanny allegedly stabbed the two children in her care to death before turning the knife on herself and slitting her throat. She is alive, but in critical condition. My neighborhood is in a state of shock today. In a city where so many children seemed to be raised by "the help" even those of us without kids are floored. How does something like this happen? And what does it mean for those currently working as professional child caregivers? Nannies frequently become like extended family members. It's sad but important to note that terrible crime happens in this city every day. The gruesome murder of two affluent white children isn't more important than any other (pretty much any news story where a kid is murdered feels like a punch in the gut, I think most of us would agree) but I think what's most jarring about this is that these very young children were murdered in their own home by a person entrusted with their lives. The more I read about this family, and what was seemingly a warm and loving relationship with this nanny, the sadder and more confused I get.
When I found out about the crime, I was in the locker room at the boxing gym. Interesting enough, a large number of the women in my class are....nannies. And they, like the woman arrested for the murder, are women of color. As they chatted amongst each other, the initial shock of the story gave way to a new thought...how it will be even more difficult from here on out for them to gain the full trust and support of their white employers. Oftentimes, I think we're not so far out from the 1960s as we'd like to think we are.
I don't think any parent handles the decision of choosing a nanny
lightly. How do you interview the person who will be spending the
majority of your child's waking hours with them? How will they handle
themselves in an emergency? Do they actively engage with the kids, or
plunk them down in front of the idiot box?
Parents have been commenting on news stories all morning, declaring they no longer feel comfortable leaving their children with strangers, and will stay with them until they leave for kindergarten. But not everyone has this luxury. For many working parents (including my own) they simply cannot be at home all the time while their kids are young. Brother and I had a nanny while we were very young. Peggy (I use her real name, because she deserves real praise) saved my brother's life in a house fire that happened before I was born. She was selfless bravery incarnate. Her absolute priority was to get him to safety as quickly as possible. I'm getting kind of emotional thinking about it, because there was never enough we could do to thank her. My family owes her everything, and she knew up until her death how much we loved her. That is how my family was with our nanny. We visited Peggy and her husband until we were well into our 20s. It was a bond like that of children with a grandparent, and since we'd lost our biological grandparents quite young, it was just as strong.
I've seen both sides of nanny/parent as an adult too. Friends have nannied with mixed results. At times they are welcomed into the fold and all goes swimmingly. (It is interesting to note that many of these friends are white, English-speaking, and college-educated) They stay with the families for years, and are loved dearly by the children. Other times though, the line of "family" and "assistant" is firmly drawn and rarely crossed. I mean, The Nanny Diaries was a huge hit for a reason. When I worked in retail, a group of nannies came to the shop frequently. They were....God, they were terrible. Frequently screaming into their phones, ignoring the children (more than once, knowingly late to pick them up at school and not giving a fuck) and just focused on pushing the pram for the allotted hours until they got paid and could go home.
I do think that if you are a stay-at-home parent with no job who still hires a nanny so you can fuck off every day with your friends for shopping, yoga and coffee, then you fucking suck and your kids should be handed over to someone who gives a damn about them. That I firmly believe.
This is a hodgepodge of thoughts. I personally don't know anything about being a
nanny. (I mean, I did some summer-camp teaching, but those kids were older and hella smart) All I know is that something truly terrible and heart-breaking happened, and every single
kid in the world deserves better than that.
