"Did my job. Wrote some plays. Read the internet."
Now, while I acknowledge that no I do not read the entire internet whilst a work, I sure do read a lot. It's good and bad. Yes, I am filling my brain with information. And yes, probably 9 out of 10 articles I read are clutter, hoarding valuable RAM and keeping me too closely adhered to the goings-on of the cultural zeitgeist. Even worse, I haven't been able to focus on a proper book in nearly a year. What happened to my attention span....well, whatever. (Ha. See what I did there? Wakka Wakka.) I've got all these books I've been wanting to finish for ages (The Fault in Our Stars, Cloud Atlas, Londoners, The Graveyard Book) that I simply can't focus on. I've been spoiled by bite-size reading material, articles filled with pictures that frequently last about 3-4 pages. I'm ruined, I tell you. Ruined.
But I know a lot of (useless) stuff! About (stupid) things!
To give you an idea, here's a list of some of my most frequently visited sites - and feel free to judge. I judge myself:
Entertainment Weekly
The New York Times
People
New York Post
Huffington Post
Jezebel
The Hairpin
Us Weekly
Rolling Stone
The Guardian
The Telegraph
The Daily Mail
The Washington Post
When I read The Washington Post (a holdover from my precocious high school days, now the journalism is somewhat washed-out in my opinion) I tend to scope out the headlines, the opinions section, sports (until the Nationals fucked everything up and confirmed this is indeed a desolate and Godless world) and Carolyn Hax.
That's odd, some might interject. What's a Carolyn Hax? Ms. Hax is a long-running advice columnist who regularly dishes out hard truths, let-downs, come uppers, and some wisdom in her column. I really like it. Sometimes you read it and think "at least my family isn't a bunch of assholes like that poor guy" or "girl, if you want to get married, stop being so crazy." It makes me feel like I've got some insight into the human condition, you know? And I am, admittedly, the last person in the world who should be handing out advice to anyone. I mean, you read this. You know.
This all started last week when I read a Carolyn Hax column with a query submitted by someone who sounds as if they've been rattling around in the darkest recesses of my soul. The question was this:
From a reader: “Some friends have had a massive string of good luck lately. I’ve celebrated every single blessing with them and am honestly happy for them. While they have had the string of good luck, I’m having the mediocre to bad luck. I’m starting to get tired of putting on the happy face and celebrating...I don’t want to become bitter because they are great people and they do deserve everything they are receiving. But ‘WHY NOT ME!’ keeps popping into my head. Any suggestions on how to fight the jealous/bitter monster?”
The majority of responses were in the vein of "Cheer up, your time to shine will come when you least expect it!" Like every other idiot with an opinion, I wanted to chime in too. (Though I didn't, because it meant creating a user name and log-in, and GOD DAMN IT I am so sick to death of doing that.)
I wanted to say this to the reader.
Reader, life sucks. I (and a whole bunch of other people I suspect) will vouch for it. More often than not, we lose. We fail. We are spurned. We fuck up. Evil wins. The people we love leave us, in one way or another. The hurt never fully goes away. Our bodies rot before our very eyes. The kids who bullied us in school grow up to be rich and happy CEOs. That is just the way it is.
(Real life side note: I smell maple syrup. Am I having a stroke?)
Play the Debbie Downer (waaah-waaaaah) if you want to, but that is just some cold hard truth. Rarely do we get to live our dreams. Not everyone finds true love. Sometimes we just have to slug it out on Planet Earth by going into survival mode. This is nobody's fault. Especially not your friends. Your friends are people whom you love and admire. So it's OK to feel horrible about your situation, and pissed off, and left out. Feel your feelings, because they are legit. But don't blame others for having the hand you don't. Because somebody somewhere feels the same about you.
I hope things get better for you, Reader. I really do. I want to believe that they will, but until the day that I am pleasantly surprised, the armor that holds people like us together can't have any cracks of sentimental bullshit in it. So buck up, kiddo, and go be that single drunk friend with the mediocre job and myriad of problems at the wedding. Here's hoping it's an open bar.
One last thing. These are the three responses to reality checks that make EVERYONE shake their head in dismay. Feel free to slap someone when they say them to you.
1. "Put out positive energy and good things will come back to you." Blatantly false. People will appreciate your cheerful nature (and the fact they can walk all over you), but that's about it.
2. "Once you stop looking you find love." No. You find 30 extra pounds and possibly a cat or two.
3. Pretty much every "life mantra" I've seen on Pinterest. Is that what you exist for, Pinterest? Adorable ideas for cupcakes and crafts, as well as bumper stickers?
Concession: I did quite like this one.
