After the last few days all I can manage to do is exhale. Breathing is suddenly something I have to think about. Loud, exasperated sighs serve only as a reminder that I'm....waiting? Not sure.
This is not how I had hoped to be in the days before Christmas. It really isn't. I had hoped to be sharing really joyous traditions, laughs and memories - not overwhelmed by a nation's grief, radiating sadness from the losses of others, and kind of wondering in the furthest back corner of my mind if Friday really is going to be the day life throws in the towel.
The shootings in Connecticut, the abrupt passing of a lovely and awesome girl I had the pleasure to meet (the friend of a friend), and some personal issues weighed heavily on my heart and mind. So much sadness at what should be such a happy time - what do you say to comfort those who need it? What can you do to help? I have always struggled with the public expression of grief. I come from a family of very private, internalizing people. I joke that we should make a family crest with "don't cry out loud" emblazoned where a more traditionally uplifting or bold motto would go. Don't mistake me....we're not dead inside. I have simply been raised to treat grief as a private affair - and I am glad for it. It's something to do with control, I suspect. The ability to keep it together is a great strength.
In the past few years, when tragedy strikes, or people pass, the first place I hear about it is (not kidding) Facebook. It is a place to react, theorize, explode and emote, for some. Right after the shootings, calls for banning guns and articles about mental illness flooded the newsfeed. (You're preaching the choir FB. I don't own a gun but I know how to fire one. And I'm well read on mental health laws in several states.) I guess what I'm taking a really roundabout way to say is that I personally prefer to process information privately before (if at all) taking to social media to speak my mind - whether it is to express outrage, grief, or demands for change. I just....need some time. I think there is something to be said of processing something for yourself before putting it out in a public forum. Maybe I'm overly cautious as to how I present myself. There was a great line in the Spike Lee movie, Inside Man, where Clive Owen (whose name I just blanked on) says "Pay strict attention to what I say because I choose my words carefully and I never repeat myself." There is something sage about that advice. I think a lot of misunderstanding and conflict could be avoided if we chose our words more carefully and delivered them publicly when we are sure we mean them. It doesn't mean we'll never make mistakes, or say something inappropriate in a public place. But it might help.
I think, in the coming months and years it will take to move forward and make real change, sincere, heartfelt talking will be critical. But I think if we think and ponder our words before we act and react...if we choose our words carefully and not just emote for the sake of emoting....we might be moving in the right direction.
