When I first started drafting this entry, I did a blow-by-blow of events that made 2012 absolutely the worst year of my life to date. I had a big ol' list. It was impressive. Color-coded by month (it's been a very slow week at work.)
And then after all that thinking and carefully selecting the "best blue" (winner: ocean)...I deleted it.
Because....fuck that. And fuck me. For being such a pitiful and self-absorbed asshole. Listing your problems? Jesus, Jamestown. Get over yourself.
Yes. I had an abysmal year. Being alive was not appealing. I fell far. Lost A LOT. When I wasn't crying, I was lashing out. I lost faith and found anger. I let a lot of stuff (and people) go. I was flipping through my 2012 calendar and realized I stopped marking anything after April. I guess that's the touchstone of when I threw in the towel. Feels right.
But I'm still here.
And so are the people I love, at least in some form. So. It's OK. We didn't lose our home to a hurricane, or our children at the hands of a murderer. In these two instances alone, I am fortunate.
After everything, not just this year, but in the past five since my father became ill, I feel considerably hardened. And I think, though some may (understandably) find me less pleasant, I am stronger and better protected. Some might think I am selling myself short by setting the bar so low on expectations for myself and others, but honestly (these are opinions and you are welcome to disagree) humanity hasn't really given me much to cheer for, and I know I am doing my best by the fact that I just keep going. I work hard and I do right by those I care about, and if I need to tell people to fuck off, or get a grip, or leave me alone, then I do. My emotional armor was a long time coming, and I need it now more than ever. There are still some chinks in it, it's not indestructible, but it exists.
In parting, a simple upnote:
Good things that happened to other people which I enjoyed: weddings, engagements, babies.
Good things that happened to me: new job.
See?
