Upbeat/Beat-Up

I didn't mean for Monday's post to be this back-to-work downer. (And now here I am re-hashing it as you're about to head off to the weekend...sorry) I've had many lovely moments in recent weekends (Weddings! Mom! Rhode Island! Skyping with much missed friend and dinner with one of my favorite couples among the highlights) but I thought it would be cheating in a way to not talk about the fact that my anxiety issues were resurgent after so many months of being "good."

I mean, this blog isn't entitled "FeelGoodMcKittensCupcakesSunshineRainbows" (Side Project?) or a promise of all things cheerful and hilarious all the time.

 THIS IS REAL. These are animals crossing a magical rainbow bridge to the great sparkly nether. I'm sure it's some kind of picture to comfort owners of deceased pets, but holy shit. I mean. I love how the rabbit is like "Yeah, you go first cat. I ain't."

You can't force cheerful all the time. Because when you do, it's fake and fucking creepy as hell. I don't trust people who are always manic-happy. There's trying to keep a positive outlook, and there's forcing yourself to seem OK...why? I don't know. Maybe you think having problems means people won't like you. Maybe you just don't want to talk about it (which is all right, some of the time). Or (like me) you're looking to keep it together until you feel like you're back on stable ground. Everyone has problems. At some time or another, we are caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. But you know what the remedy for that is, right?

GRUMPY CAT.

This cat has a lot on his mind! Most of it displeases him! But his face is sooo sweeeeeet!
Grumpy Cat is obviously my Spirit Animal.

As much as I'd like the blog to be more positive than not, sometimes (currently) I am frankly feeling more beat-up than upbeat. It happens. I'm fidgety. I feel sick even after delicious meals. I'm bored. I can't write. I miss being in love. I'm over New York. I don't see a solution. I get angry quickly. I'm just kind of done. I'm waiting for a break, for relief that I'm no longer sure is coming.

After wallowing in those thoughts for longer than I'd ever want, I pick myself up. I have to.  Because you can't stay down there. I mean, you CAN and sometimes I do, but I don't recommend it. Yesterday, 37 year old Mets pitcher R.A. Dickey earned his 20th win, the first to do so in that club since 1990. It's a big deal. And Mr. Dickey, he just seemed so damn nice and emotional about the whole thing. (He's a fascinating guy - look him up) But what really stuck with me was what he said:
"I never abandoned hope. I always held that out," he said. "My hope always outweighed my doubt, and that's what kind of kept me going."

"My hope always outweighed my doubt, and that's what kind of kept me going." 


I like that. I know I can't live by it all the time, that there will always be setbacks and rough days, times where you can't turn your brain off and your thoughts just make you cry... but it's something good to keep in mind, I think.

Happy Friday.