Not A Good 30 Countdown

In 30 days, I have to be living somewhere else.

And I am a wreck about it.

Moving is the worst. We've all been there. But moving with little time, and whole lot of uncertainty, is the most torturous moving hell there is.

Every night for nearly a week now I've been waking up in a panic at 4am, unable to get back to sleep. It's always something. I need to find a good place! Where? How much? Is it near transportation? Is it safe? How will I get my stuff there? My stomach hurts. How much will that cost? Is it loud? Are there bugs? How will my work commute be affected? I should get all my financial paperwork together. Oh, God my finances are solid, but by no means impressive. I can't breathe. Do they want to see my taxes? Where the fuck are my tax papers? I should get a letter of employment. I guess I'm spending the weekend at Kinkos. Why is this happening? This fucking sucks! And so on and so on, until it's around 5:30pm and I've worn myself out, and I think I could fall back asleep, but then it's 6:15am and I have to wake up for work (because I have new, early hours to cover for the group that got laid off last week). Needless to say, several colleagues have felt the need to point out how exhausted I look. Thank you co-workers. I know I'm tired. And thanks to your godlike powers of observation, I am glad to know I also look like death. Your words are anything but comforting.

Yesterday the dam kind of broke. I spent the entire day at work emailing, texting and calling realtors, Craigslist weirdos, and anyone who might have a place for me to live March 1st. Apartments were already gone. Apartments were obviously scams. Realtors said it was too early and I needed to do this in about two weeks - which I understand logistically, but the idea of ABSOLUTELY MUST finding a good new home in such a short period of time shatters my nerves. Also it's the fact that I work full time and getting to see these places takes time I don't have. At all.

After work I rushed to see an apartment that fit in my price range and is in one of the neighborhoods I'm considering. It. Was. Terrible. It was about 20 minute walk from the nearest train with a charming view of....the expressway. 5th floor walk up. Shitty hallways. The place itself was basically a tiny bedroom, a stove and a toilet. Doors hung off hinges. The walls reeked of Axe body spray. I politely said "Oh hell to the no" and ran away. I know I can't afford much, but I work hard and I'd prefer not to spend my off time living in squalor. I walked the slow, sad slog back to the train, and felt so overwhelmed, so totally fucked, and so hopeless that I just sobbed all the way home. In under a week two huge pillars of my personal stability - work and home - have undergone drastic and unpleasant changes. I don't know if they'll bounce back, to be honest. I guess we'll just have to see.